


all the way to the edge of desire

by sinagtala (strikinglight)



Category: Free!
Genre: Alcohol, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, POV Second Person, Snapshots, Sort Of, references to s3, whatever it actually is is much messier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:31:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strikinglight/pseuds/sinagtala
Summary: When he laughs—all air, that beautiful sound, all the air you breathe—and says, “You never could sit still, Natsuya,” you know he’s telling you something else.On leaving, and returning, and leaving again.





	all the way to the edge of desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [themorninglark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themorninglark/gifts), [isshikisenpai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isshikisenpai/gifts).



> For Lark and KK: I said I would, so I did (??????????). Thank you for enabling me, and for the life savings.
> 
> [Title/mood music.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GTbM5-ku-M)

1.

There’s a bandage over his eyes, but he still smiles when you open the door. You don’t need to say a word for him to know who you are, only scrape back the chair by his bed, only move into the space beside him so he can reach out and ascertain the shape of your face. He says “Natsuya,” and as you lean into him you hear the sea out the window—and you know he’ll still be smiling later, when you sit up straight again and he pulls back his hands, unsurprised that his palms are wet.

 

2.

Midsummer and the two of you sit on the floor of your room, him between your legs, your back against the bed. You push his hair to one side so you can kiss his shoulder, run your lips along the curve of bone until you hear his breath catch. You kiss his neck, his cheek. You put your mouth against his ear so he can feel every tremor that runs through you when you say, “Nao.” When he laughs—all air, that beautiful sound, all the air you breathe—and says, “You never could sit still, Natsuya,” you know he’s telling you something else.

 

3.

 _I need you now,_ you tell him, from the chair by the bed in your brother’s hospital room, from two continents away. The sun sets red out the window. You are strung tight and fumbling over the keys on your phone, too aware of the distance, too clumsy with want to say anything less than what you mean. _I need you now._

 

4.

You need a map to find the street he lives on in Tokyo, but the key he gave you turns so smoothly in the lock it’s tempting for a moment to think that you belong here. He’s reading on the couch when you come in—he needs glasses to read these days, you think he might have told you this, but you only remember it now because they get in the way when you take the book out of his hand and lean in to kiss him. You think it might be worth the embarrassment to hear him laugh again. Then he’s closing your eyes with his hands, then his fingers are in your hair and running up your ribcage under your shirt, then for a long time after that the only thing you can hear is him breathing above you, rising and falling, rising and falling.

 

5.

You are putting the key he gave you back on his bedside table when you realize (finally, finally) what secret each of you is keeping from the other: if he’d only ask you to stay, you would. But he won’t, so you can’t.

 

6.

It depends where you go, but sometimes, sometimes you rent an apartment rather than a hotel room. Then you can invent ridiculous errands for yourself between races, clean up your beer bottles, empty the dishwasher. You remember a younger version of you, calling him from the kitchen of your house in San Francisco: _Look, Nao, a dishwasher._ Now, aching heart, now you’re turning twenty in a dark garage in Barcelona, leaning against the wall with your sack of garbage. A little moonlight hits the window overhead, a little summer moonlight, a ready sweetness from the sky that makes you want to throw everything away and call him, if only to hear him say your name again.

 

7.

Rin tells you you’re awful for drinking as much as you do, for making him pay for his own meals, for keeping him out so late, but when you say you want to see what the bridge over the harbor looks like at night, he takes you there anyway. He looks almost proud to be able to show it to you—all the lights of his city, the stars in the water, the stars in the sky. That is where he tells you who he wants to be with, more than anything, and you’ve known Rin only a little over a week but as soon as he opens his mouth you’re sure he’s never made a secret of what he wants. He’s never needed to see it to reach for it.

 

8.

It seems only yesterday you used to believe the hunger under your skin was too big for any place. Now, after so long away, your parents’ house feels even bigger, like the time has stretched it out so much you don’t even need to think about how you’ll fit. Now you’re content to sit cross-legged on the floor of your old room in the late afternoon light, wondering what it is you’ve returned to, knowing it won’t be long before you find out.

**Author's Note:**

> Addendum: It turned out my Naonatsu itch....... had not been sufficiently scratched, so there's a Nao-POV companion piece [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753390) that you can read if you're keen.
> 
> Thanks for stopping by!


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